The biggest struggle for me as an adoptee was self identity, not just due to the fact that I was racially different than most of my peers and my family, but due to the fact that I was not with my natural family.
Growing up in Roseburg I didn’t look like any of my friends most of them had blonde hair and blue eyes and fair skin. I stuck out like a sore thumb everywhere we went. I was the only black girl on my soccer team, my track team, the only one in band. very rarely was there another black person and if there was they came and went and left Roseburg as quickly as they came. I used to get made fun of alot for my features such as my butt being rounder and bigger than everyone my lips being big my nose being bigger etc. things i got made fun of for now are popular and many of the girls who made fun of me now I see them getting plastic surgery to get bigger lips bigger butts a slim thick figure like mine . But the negative energy i got and bullying i got for my features made me hate myself i would straighten my hair i would try to loose weight because i felt fat.
We moved to Portland Oregon when I was 16 years old I was so excited! It was going to be so awesome seeing people who looked like me. Making friends that had the same hair, skin color , body type etc. Little did I know that wouldn’t be the case. My peers made fun of me because I was to white to be black. I was raised different. SO of course I was not well versed in some of the culture that black people take part in. I was made fun of because i spoke different, I didn’t dress urban i dressed to preppy, I actually was in band because i was an actual band geek. I didnt listen to the same music and didn’t understand the lingo they spoke.
For me to feel so rejected by white people and black people. Took a toll on my journey on finding myself and self esteem and self worth. I did somethings I was not proud of and I developed an addiction which I will later discuss. The addiction i developed was to help dampen the pain I felt and helped me feel more accepted by my own race. Which later down the road did so much more damage than good.